Month: February 2022

You don’t need to go out to eat.

You don’t need to sit at a bar and have drinks with friends.

If you want to, then there are some rules that our society needs you to follow. If you want to drink, you must to be 21 years old, and we can only serve you during the hours that our liquor license allows. We require guests to be fully dressed, including shoes and a shirt. You can’t misbehave, or disrupt other guests. You can’t bring a firearm with you if you’re drinking alcohol. You cannot smoke or vape inside the restaurant or on our patio. When you drive here you can’t just leave your car anywhere, you need to park it in a legal spot or you’ll get towed. Didn’t feed the meter? You’ll get a ticket. Don’t drive if you’re drinking alcohol. If you bring a dog, she can’t sit inside and we need proof that she has had a rabies shot and she’ll need to remain on a leash. What I’m saying is, having rules of engagement in any society is nothing new.

We have the legal right to refuse service to anyone, at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all. But we are not unreasonable and we would like you to stay. We want you to stay, we are in the hospitality business – but it is a business and there are laws, rules and societal norms that we all must follow to be part of this community. We take community building seriously.

I didn’t need to buy a restaurant

I didn’t need to get a liquor license

But I wanted to – so I had to do a few things; I got TiPS certified, ServSafe Certified, went to culinary school (which required me to be vaccinated for MMR, Hepatitis B, Chicken Pox, & Meningitis). I also trained with NEHA (the National Environmental Health Association) and created a HACCP (Hazzard Analysis Critical Control Point) plan to make sure my team handles food safely. I wrote a business plan, took out loans, and sold some personal items for seed money. I applied for a food permit & a liquor license. We had to have health inspection, a plumbing inspection, a fire inspection, and a building inspection just for our occupancy permit. Can’t just hang a sign, need to go before the Design Review Board for approval first. Want an A-frame sign? Need a special permit for that. We must file and pay meals tax to the city and to the commonwealth, monthly. I need three or four different kinds of insurance, a payroll service, a trustworthy accountant, pest control, quality food & liquor vendors, trash, recycling, & compost removal. I must arrange for cooking oil recycling and knife sharpening. Clean that grease trap and snake the drains every quarter. Clean the exhaust hood and have the fire suppression system tested regularly. Train my crew, write a menu, buy plates & glassware, decorate the place, maybe get a couple of TVs, pay for cable or a satellite, maybe a jukebox service and an ATM. (Don’t forget to pay the four different musicians unions if you play a radio or have live music) Buy a Point of Sale system, arrange for credit card processing. Maybe secure a line of credit (or bootstrap it like we did). All this needs to be done before we serve a single burger or pour one beer. The goal is to create a culture and an atmosphere that folks want to go to.

Yeah, you could eat at home – my job is to make you want to come join us and be part of our special community. Do you have to? No. Do I want you to? Yes.

We have done SO MUCH to get this restaurant ready for you, to make it fun, to make it safe so you can let loose and relax for a while. The least you could do is not give my host pushback for asking you to follow the rules. Rulemaking is well above our pay grade here at our little mom & pop restaurant. Anyone who wants to ‘punish’ a local business for following new mandates from the city or the Commonwealth is shooting themselves in the foot – because all that will be left are big chains of boring food dished out by large, soulless corporations.

If you want to live in a thriving, unique community; a community with heart and soul, do your fucking part. We’re tired of arguing with you, we’d like to get back to hospitality if you don’t mind.

From the archives

Dear Salem Visitors,

Welcome! I’m so glad you’ve come to explore our beautiful city. I rely on your dollars for my living and I am genuinely glad that you are here – I’m proud of Salem and all she has to offer locals and visitors alike. I hope you have a wonderful stay. So, here is the thing, it’s gonna get really crowded during the month of October. We are all going to need to work together to make this humanity cluster work smoothly. I promise to be patient with those of you who are lost and moving slower than I prefer. I’ll even give you directions & recommendations if you ask. I will be sympathetic to your desperate need for the following: a place to sit, a way to charge your phone and a clean bathroom. I’ve traveled, I get it. When driving I will obey all laws and keep in mind that I am driving a scary hunk of metal that could really put a hurting on someone. I will be responsible and courteous (and gracious when I can).

Here is where you, Dear Visitor, could really help us locals out.

1. Please, for the love of Pete – don’t park in resident parking. Parking lots are great, the garages too, the ferry lot is especially lovely, but resident parking around here is pretty scarce already. Most of us are tired at the end of a long day of showing y’all a good time; no one wants to park a mile from home at the end of a 12 hour shift. Oh, and I promise to tell you when you don’t need to feed the parking meters, like at night and on holidays.
2. While you are walking the streets of our fine city, please take the time to be aware of yourself and your surroundings. I cannot even tell you how many times someone has stepped backward onto a traffic-filled street to take a photo directly in front of my moving car (aforementioned hunk of metal). That kind of mischief is scary for everyone. Also, if you simply watch where you are walking you are less likely to be a victim of our charming brick & cobblestone sidewalks.

As a vigilant driver, I am always watching the crosswalks and intersections for pedestrians. If you make yourself known I will always stop for you – with a few exceptions;

1. I will not stop for you if you are at a proper lit intersection and your light clearly says don’t walk. I don’t run red lights and so I will not encourage you to do the pedestrian equivalent. Also, If you press the button to cross – please, in the name of everything you hold sacred, wait for the darn light. If you press it and then just jaywalk anyway, we are all left waiting for your more courteous ghost to cross the street. There are few things that infuriate me more than that particular kind of selfishness.
2. I will not stop for you if you are jaywalking. I will politely point out the nearest crosswalk. I don’t drive on the sidewalks, so please don’t walk in the street. Fair? (No I am not going to hit you, I’m not a monster.)

I beg of you to never pop out fast from between parked cars. Pedestrians might have the right of way, in theory, but in practice cars need time to stop. Don’t cede your personal responsibility to my anti-lock brakes; you may lose, even with my cat-like reflexes.

I know you are just one person or one family, but collectively the huge amount of visitors who are in ‘vacation mode’ and not really thinking before they spontaneously and/or randomly cross the street eventually grinds down the patience and grace of residents. It also causes all kinds of traffic back-ups and snarls, ratcheting up our collective stress.

If we all drive, park and walk where & how we should, mindful of everyone around us, things will go more smoothly and everyone can have a mellow good time. So – welcome to Salem! Please be nice, and more than a tiny bit smart. I promise to do the same.